If you ever come back to me, I'll be here for you.

So it's been a year.
A year since our lovely Tish left this world and moved on to the next.
A year since I began blogging. 

I went to Cardiff Cathedral. I don't know why really. Maybe it's because it's was in one of God's houses that we were last physically together. Maybe because it seems grand enough to match my memories of you. I haven't been raised with to follow a religion, but to respect each of them equally. I'm quite sure there are plenty of Gods keeping an eye on us. Perhaps all religions are talking about the same thing, different versions of the same story. I didn't know where to go, but at least you were with me.

I'm sorry that you felt you had nothing left to gain from our world but through your actions you have taught me a lesson. Make it all count. Like many others I feel life slipping through my fingers, faster than I can keep up with. This is why I started my journal. Over the last year it has meant different things to me at different times. Sharing experiences and cute gifts. Expressing myself. An outlet. A way for my family and friends to keep up to date with my life, as they all live a long way away. A mark on my timeline that I can look back on. Maybe this is why I don't fall in to a category for blogs, I just want to appreciate my own life so I don't miss out on anything important.

It was a day early, but I couldn't help whispering a round of Happy Birthday through my sobs for you, Tisha. You would have turned 29 tomorrow. I went to the biggest cathedral in town and lit as many candles as I could so there's no way you could miss me. I said to myself that I would and I did. I would beam all the light in the world at you and the stars just to get your attention. I don't need to though, you are always watching. There is a song I've grown to love over the last few months, about your friends succeeding and venturing off into the world while you defiantly wait their sweet return. I imagine that it's you who sings it for us, happy watching us carry out our lives from so far away, but so close, appreciating the journey we're on, lovingly waiting until the day when we are all back together again. You and your big sister were my teen idols, which has made me who I am today and I am forever grateful.

I don't know if I will ever stop missing you. Sometimes I think you are with me and you can hear me, that you talk back. Sometimes I ask for you to talk to me and I hear nothing. But when I am alone and I hear a song you like I smile a little smile because I think you might have put it on. I notice little things like someone in a pair of platform boots and a studded belt and I wonder if you have steered me towards them because I am thinking of you. Reminding me that you are always here. Perhaps that is one of the crazy things about just being a soul, unhindered by a heavy temporary body, that you can be in more than one place and one time. I imagine you spend most of your time with your family. That you are with all of us. I bet your celestial diary is jam packed.

I hope you are scoping out your new world so when I turn up in the next hundred years you can give me the full tour. xoxo

Tisha Mary-Jane

R.I.P.